Whoops

Sorry we haven't posted in awhile! I signed in to check our traffic and there are still a few people managing to find this place, so I thought I would say hello, because it's all about me, right?

Anyway, also discovered that the #1 search term bringing people here is "Grandmas boobs" - my question is, why the need to specify the familial relationship here - like couldn't you google "old lady boobs" and get the same results? Once I realized that we're most likely getting the hits because of this post it was all brought full circle though - I'm pretty sure i remember googling "grandmas boobs" while searching for an accompanying picture and being horrified by the results. Sometimes safesearch is a good thing.

The person in the last few months who found us through google and stayed and read the site the longest searched "boots alcohol." I'm not sure what they were looking for - possibly some cowboy-themed restaurant, but I'm glad they decided to stay on the site for those obviously thrilling 2 minutes and 11 seconds.

We'll try to get back at it - I wouldn't want to lose the opportunity of someone stumbling upon us while trying to find pictures of "Grandpas boners"

Kelly & Kirby Talk Elijah Wood

Preface: I have interesting taste in men, my friends like to call it, "Questionably gay Jewish boys" - I blame this all on the first time I layed eyes on Elijah Wood. Now that I see that it is certainly possible for us to meet, I think the entire internet needs to work on making it happen. It's all up to you kids.


Kirby: KELLLLLEYYYYYY

Kirby: first off i cannot believe my sisiter didnt tell me this.
The sunday that i took off work two weeks ago guess who was there drinking ELIJAH WOOOODDDDD

Kelly: OHMYGOD
BITCHES

Kirby: I KNOOOOOW and he was drinking a girly martini with all this fruit juice

Kelly: hee hee, he's so gay
but I love him!

Kirby: i know!!!!!

Kelly: he's my first love!

Kirby: awwwww i wonder if he will come back

Kelly: if he does and you or your sister are there I EXPECT A PHONE CALL
OR ELSE YOU DIE

Kirby: OH I KNOW
I CANT BELIEVE SHE DIDNT TELL ME

Kelly: I can't get drunk around him though because i'd tell him how i used to somersault over my bed and kiss his posters

Kelly & Kirby Talk Monkeys

Kelly: dude, that chimp that went crazy killed the lady's husband and daughter? i've been avoiding the story bc i'm scared of pictures

Kirby: you think there are pics????
they kept replaying the old navy commercial the monkey was in on the today show and it was so weird

Kelly: some link said something about pictures so i didn't click any

Kirby: like he was a fuckin celebrity! i kind of want to see pics send me and i'll tell you how it is

Kelly: nooooo
i found one without pics that i'm reading now http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jvlkKth37Fp__GL6KYdl2b1s6dBgD96E1APG0

Kirby: it's prolly just a monkey chalk line drawing on the floor

Kelly: "Hurry, please! He ripped her face off."
AHHHHH keep monkeys away from me man

Kirby: "We've got to get this guy out of here. He's got no face." WHAAAAATTT

Kelly: YEAH MAN NO FACE WTF

Kirby: SHIT IS CRAZY

Kelly: it's like a movie starring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage

Kirby: This is what i imagine the abulance driver radio call to be "kkrrcctt we gotta no-face, no-face 10-4 krcchht"

Kelly: haha

Kirby: i need to stop laughing about this

Kelly: "But the chimpanzee returned and went after several of the officers, who retreated into their cars, Conklin said. An officer shot Travis several times after the animal opened the door to his cruiser and started to get in." YO MAN, THAT'S LIKE OUTTA A HORROR MOVIE

Kirby: THIS MONKEY IS SMARTER THAN I AM

Kelly: RIDIC

Kirby: fuck

Kelly: ooh, the husband and daughter were killed a few years ago in a car accident

Kirby: so she bought a monkey for company? aw

Kelly: "The unexplained attack was uncharacteristic of Travis, a veteran of TV commercials who could eat at the table, drink wine from a stemmed glass, use the toilet, and dress and bathe himself."
this monkey is smarter then us...

Kirby: i think so, i bet it paid bills
i don't pay bills

Kelly: me either probably did taxes
i don't do taxes

Kirby: i bet it had a facebook status now reads: DEAD

Kelly: hahaha RIPPED OFF SOME FACES NOW DEAD
THIS MONKEY BRUSHED HIS TEETH WITH A WATER PIK

Kirby: Travis Monkey is in meeting
WHAT NO

Kelly: "Travis brushed his teeth with a Water Pik, logged on to a computer to look at photos and channel-surfed television with the remote control."

Kirby: i haven't been to the dentist in 5 years!

Kelly: I gave up on the water pik bc it proved to be too much!

Kirby: he looked at monkey porn! i bet that's what "pictures" means

Kelly: yeahhhh

Kirby: well i think this conversation makes a perfect blog post with the headline: "kelly and kirby talk monkeys"

Nail hit on head.

Sometimes I just don't get you...

While the rest of the internet collectively swoons at this picture of a wet koala bear, I find myself kind of ready to vomit ever time I see it's creepy alien arm, intense eyes and spikey goatee. I guess we can't always get along.

the best blog post ideas in the whole wide world

Here's a situation that happens often. We're sitting at the bar or anywhere probably drunk and one of us says something funny and someone else screams out THAT WOULD MAKE A GREAT BLOG POST YOU GUYS! Only the problem is that it really wouldn't. It was funny at the time because we were drunk but when you really think about it it doesn't making any fucking sense. Best part is we always write it down! Now we can share with everyone.

-Have a telethon to raise the ten dollars it would cost us to renew the site.

-Asking people to donate money to us so we can buy VHS tapes.

-Using Paint to draw pictures of celebrities instead of real gossip column site pictures.

-A story about hermit crabs fighting in the Iraq war. Apparently one of the hermit crabs has to yell out THIS SHELL AIN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US! at some point in the story.

-Broadcast a live nativity scene and make Kelly give birth to something. The fake birth would involve a trash bag and cooking oil.

-Making an anti-drug commercial not about quitting, just taking a break. "Sometimes you just gotta take a break." That's the slogan.

There's probably more but i'll save those bright ideas for later.

Haay

I guess we should start posting again? The holidays happened and kinda sucked. We were all broke and nobody really did anything which actually was fine for me because I would like to start pretending holidays don't exist. All I want is the dinner. Is that too much to ask for? Some food? I don't want to buy you anything and I don't want a dumb present. Just buy me some beer and make me some food. Then New Years happened and this is exactly what I did:

9:00
Pat-"let me just take a nap on the couch and then we can do whatever."

11:59-12:00
Pat is snoring on the sofa and I am sitting next to him watching Anderson Cooper.
"Heyy! Wake UP! It's fucking midnight and you're sleeping!"

And then I let him sleep, smoked a joint to my face and went to bed.

Happy New Year everybody!!!!

Also- I thought it might be nice to do a little BootsandBangs resolution post so I sent out an email to the girls and this was the only response:

"Don't fall asleep in the hallway anymore."

So there you have it folks, no sleeping in the hallways anymore. Try harder to actually make it INSIDE of the apartment.